What prevents you Setting and Maintaining Boundaries as a Leader?

I recently ran a new workshop, Setting & Maintaining Boundaries, with a passionate and high-growth marketing agency.

As part of the workshop, I shared a model of human behaviour that I’ve always found incredibly relatable. And I thought it might be valuable for you too :)

As kids, we unconsciously develop a ‘blueprint’ of how the world works. We look at how adults (primarily our caregivers) act, how they interact with each other, and how they respond to our behaviour.

From all these observations, we develop a set of ‘rules’ for how we need to behave in order to stay safe, accepted and loved. These unconscious ‘rules’ stay with us throughout our lives - unless we become aware of them and make a conscious decision about whether we WANT to continue living like that.

The specific rules that you develop will be unique to you and your upbringing (this is all perfectly normal; it is not limited to those with difficult childhood experiences). However, they tend to ladder up to five core ‘Drivers’ (Taibi Kahler, 1975):

Be Perfect - you’re probably a high-achiever, used to getting top marks and being praised for your successes. But it never feels enough, and you’re just waiting to be caught out. Imposter Syndrome might be a familiar term…

Be Strong - you’re always a source of strength for others, but find it difficult to ask for help or admit weakness yourself. You hide your emotions (or can’t even access them), and pretend ‘everything’s fine’.

Hurry Up - you’re constantly busy, rushing from one thing to another and you pride yourself on how packed your life is. If you sit down for one minute, you feel guilty for wasting time…

Please Others - you put the needs of others ahead of your own needs. People know they can rely on you to help them and be there for them. And you’re starting to resent how no one seems to show YOU the same consideration.

Try Hard - you’re determined and persistent, but never really feel that you’re achieved enough. You believe that you have to try harder than others to get the same result. You’re often anxious, and sensitive to criticism. 

_________________________________________________

Try and identify the strongest 1-2 drivers for you (even if all five are familiar!!). How does this driver HELP you? How might this driver LIMIT you or stop you following your dreams? And what ‘affirmation’ could create a counter-balance for you?

For example, one of my core drivers is Hurry Up. Connecting with the mantra ‘there is time enough for all my dreams’ calms me down when I start getting manic about achieving every single life goal in a 6-month period.